The Conscious Mind…

Am I awake?

Have you ever asked yourself this question when lying in bed at night, just touching the edge of sleep, but still aware of the sheets on your legs?

Well I have…. I am unfortunately not one of those lucky people who hit the pillow and are gone. I don’t seem to have that on/off switch.

I go to bed in the full knowledge that I will lie there thinking, tossing, turning, more thinking and eventually without conscious thought….drift off.

I would like to be able to catch that moment, that moment of falling into sleep, but I never seem able to pin point it. I am able to think to myself “yes, I am definately awake” but am unable to do the same when asleep. That is because my subconscious mind have taken over, my conscious mind seemingly shut down.

But where does it go? The conscious mind that is, does it simply switch off? Recharging its battery for the next days work.

There are definate moments, lying in bed, when my mind is ticking over the days events, or creating fantastical worlds in my head that I am unsure as to my state, am i awake or not? Sometimes I dont know who holds the controls, the conscious or the subconscious mind.

Who knows, maybe it is both, working in tandem for one simultaneous moment before I am gone inside my head.

Love this quote, and confirms that, as of yet, I am not all powerful. I don’t know enough about myself to master myself, or even manage myself most days!

How many of us have truly mastered ourselves, physically and emotionally?

How old are you?

How old are you?.

So a very intelligent friend of mine posed the question “how old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”

My immediate response to this was 75…..

But seriously, how old would you feel if you had no knowledge of your current age and you could not see yourself to estimate based on your looks?

Would you guess your age on your level of knowledge, your wisdom, your feelings or just how sick of the world you are?

I said 75, only half in jest, I think I am quite old inside. My mum once told me that I was born old, I think she may be right.

So how old are you, inside?

The masks we wear

~ Dons shiny new blogger mask~

So I was encouraged to start writing my musings in a blog by a mentor of mine (not sure if she knows she is a mentor, but i digress).  My initial reaction was one of cynicism, as is my general reaction to anything untried.  However I listened to her reasoning and am opening myself up to the idea that the ramblings of my mind are better stored outside of my head, creating room for yet more chaos to assert itself within my psyche.

My first post comes from the discussion with said mentor, when I asked, “well what the hell would I write about anyway?”, her answer, unsurprisingly, was whatever I felt like.

My problem is that I am not sure what “I feel like”, does she mean how I feel about work, my personal life, my varying states of mental health, my beliefs, values or even how I feel about blogging in general…..

This brings me to the topic at hand  – masks-

It has been said by many famous people that we all wear masks, we are actors within our own lives, playing the parts dictated to us by the choices we have made.  We have roles in which we adjust our behaviour to suit. I am who I am at work, at home, with friends, with my long suffering partner and I adjust to fit into these roles.  However subtle the shift in behaviour or attitude may be, it is distinct and unwavering.  I cannot speak to my manager the way I would speak to my partner, and similarly I would not act the way I do at work when I am at home.

This makes me wonder if anyone truly knows who they are. 

What would happen if all of the masks were removed?

What would happen if there was no role to play?

Would I have an opinion on anything, would I even have a personality to speak of?

Sometimes I think not, I don’t know how I would behave, or what I would care about if I had nothing to contextualize my life.

 

Would you?

We are all worms, but I believe I am a glow worm!