Working Hard

So I have a good job, not important like a doctor curing illness or a teacher moulding the minds of tomorrow, but nevertheless I feel I make a difference.  My job has recently changed, become more focussed to a particular group of people.  These people are challenging.  Due to these changes I seem to be losing a lot of sleep and regaining my insomniac tendencies.  Questions running through my head like; “Where do I start”, “How am I going to do this right” and “Am I able to achieve this?” are plaguing my night time hours.

I think that a lot of this has to do with my inability to deal with failure.  I do not like to get things wrong and this is probably one of my biggest weaknesses professionally.  I am aware, during my daytime logical hours, that I am perfectly capable of succeeding in my new role and do not feel worried or anxious while at work.  It seems that my problems only arise at night, when I am not busy with the daily grind, lists and organised chaos that is my job.

Do you doubt your ability to do your job or that sometimes you are in way over your head?

I love my job, mostly because it challenges me, makes me question myself and my beliefs on a daily basis.  I do not however enjoy sleepless nights.  

Solutions please?

The Conscious Mind…

Am I awake?

Have you ever asked yourself this question when lying in bed at night, just touching the edge of sleep, but still aware of the sheets on your legs?

Well I have…. I am unfortunately not one of those lucky people who hit the pillow and are gone. I don’t seem to have that on/off switch.

I go to bed in the full knowledge that I will lie there thinking, tossing, turning, more thinking and eventually without conscious thought….drift off.

I would like to be able to catch that moment, that moment of falling into sleep, but I never seem able to pin point it. I am able to think to myself “yes, I am definately awake” but am unable to do the same when asleep. That is because my subconscious mind have taken over, my conscious mind seemingly shut down.

But where does it go? The conscious mind that is, does it simply switch off? Recharging its battery for the next days work.

There are definate moments, lying in bed, when my mind is ticking over the days events, or creating fantastical worlds in my head that I am unsure as to my state, am i awake or not? Sometimes I dont know who holds the controls, the conscious or the subconscious mind.

Who knows, maybe it is both, working in tandem for one simultaneous moment before I am gone inside my head.